Tehran and teh conservatives

During the now gone and past Bush Administration, there were many threats, both muttered and yelled out loud publicly, of fleeing to Canada or France to escape the Administration's alleged authoritarian and oppressive ways. It's a common threat issued by the opposition party, and a time honored tradition embedded in the mythos of the American Founding. After all, the Founding Fathers all actually followed through their threat - they hated England's policies, so they left.

But when the 2008 elections were under way and Obama started to gain a foothold and it appeared he may actually win, the political winds shifted, and it was now the Republicans and conservatives threatening to leave the country, because Obama would ruin it through socialism, gay marriage and abortion. As we overheard from a student outside the BYU Democrats' election party, "How could they support him? Gay marriage and abortion are the two most single important issues in this election!"

Dantzel and I thought it was the economy, but you know.

When the Democrats threatened to leave for Canada, this worked, because Canada has a time honored tradition of being the haven of anti-war Vietnam draft dodging hippies, and whenever you bring up social medicine, Canada appears to be the poster child of it not working (to Americans). Canada has legalized the use of marijuana, and they are very abortion and gay friendly. So a Democrat threatening to move there because the Bush Administration tortured Iraqis, well, it makes sense.

But hearing a Republican or a conservative threaten to move to Canada (which has occured at an ever alarming frequency since Obama was elected) is just, well, silly. It's like jumping out of the pan and into the fire. Why would you leave America, which is apparently that much closer to legalizing abortion for five year olds and allowed gay polygamous relationships, to Canada, which already has legalized abortion and is incredibly gay friendly? You can't run to France, either. Or the UK. Germany is also out of the question. Even socially conservative Japan produces things like this that would offend your children:

Even Rush Limbaugh, the Mr. "I Hope Obama Fails" Limbaugh, has announced that he is looking into real estate in New Zealand. Apparently our favorite conservative talk show radio host is jumping on the "I'm moving to Canada" bandwagon, but using his aging neurons, realized Canada might not be the best choice. I decided to check New Zealand out, and it looks good - for now. As far as gay marriage goes, New Zealand does not offer marriage per say, but it does offer civil unions which has just as much benefits and legal recognition as traditional marriage does. And it does appear public opinion is swinging towards the gays. Not good. Abortion has stricter laws, but it's still allowed. Hmm. That's not good either. New Zealand may be a good stopping point, but it probably isn't going to be a good conservative haven for very long. After all, they are right next to Australia.

I knew if conservatives moved to Canada, they would just be sorely disappointed, and if they moved to New Zealand, it wouldn't leave them in blissful peace, either. So, looking out for my fellow social conservatives, I decided to do some of the research for them and find a country that definitely bans gay marriage and abortion, the two most important issues of this last election. At this moment, I can recommend one country without fail:

Iran.

I know, I know, I can hear the outrage already. But hear me out. Iran is socially conservative. Gay marraige is definitely not allowed, or abortion, or women in general. And it's advanced. Because the other options are not very rosy. Ghana doesn't sound pleasant, nor Uganda, and Latvia just isn't up to snuff as far as technology goes like Tehran is. So you can probably get your traditional marriage and your iPod too.

Iran would be a great alternative to a now proabably lost cause of a religious America. They can be bellicose in their rhetoric just like Bush, they're pretty sure God is on their side, they are almost nuclear (they're just one step behind us!). They are also very religious. Forget prayer in schools! Did you know they pray five times a day there? At least? Now that's hardcore. In reality, Iran is nothing less than an American social conservative's dream world. Well, except for the Islam thing. But you can't expect a country to be totally perfect, right?

So I propose we change the conservative slogan. Canada is so passe, anyway, and New Zealand is merely a stop in the flight intinerary in escaping those dirty liberals. From now on, when we see something Obama or the rest of the country does that we are not pleased with, we can simply announce, "This country is going to pot (literally)! I'm moving to Iran!"

Though, personally to me, that sounds like cut and runnin'.